Silly Stuff


Playing Doctor?

    A doctor standing in line at the Pearly Gates grew impatient, and cut to the front to ask St. Peter to let him in. St. Peter explained no one gets special treatment in Heaven, and put him back in line.

    After waiting awhile longer, the doctor again grew impatient and tried to cut the line. Again St. Peter put him back in line.

    Suddenly he noticed someone with a stethoscope and doctor's bag march right to the front of the line and stroll into Heaven. Incensed, he stomped up to St. Peter and demanded to know why that other doctor was allowed in.

    St. Peter smiled and replied, "You don’t understand. That was God. Sometimes He like to play Doctor."



He Lost It All

    Jesus and Satan had an argument as to who is the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they came to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

    They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity.

    Moments later, the power was restored and God announced that the contest is over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

    "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

    Jesus entered a command, and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

    Satan was astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?"

    God chuckles, "Everybody know...Jesus saves."



The Other Way Around

    Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other in a park for a hundred years. One day, an angel came to visit them and said since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters they would be rewarded with a half an hour of human life to do whatever they have wanted most.

    The two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, laughed a bit and said, "Shall we?" and "Yes, let's do!" They dashed for the bushes, from which shortly was heard giggling, laughter and the shaking of branches.

    After a quarter hour, they came out from the bushes all hot, flustered, and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn’t they start all over again.

    The statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "Ok, let's do it again. Only this time we'll do it the other way around -- YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head."



The Trial

    At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn’t it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

    The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

    "Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

    Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

    "Oh!" the startled witness said. "I thought he was talking to you."



Cure For The Hiccups

    A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and slapped the man’s face.

    "What did you do that for?" the man asked.

    "Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

    The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"



Seaman And The Pirate

    A seaman met a pirate in a bar, and they took of them took turns talking about their adventures on the sea. The seaman noted that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

    The pirate replied, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into the school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow" said the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seamen. "How did you get the eyepatch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asked incredulously.

    "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."



Prescription

    The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment but I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

    "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."



Ads Gone Astray
  • The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign, "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read, "Are you lactating?
  • Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose" into Spanish, where it read, "Suffer From Diarrhea."
  • Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany, only to find out that in German, "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
  • An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market, which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read, "I saw the potato" (la papa).



Bad News From The Doctor

    "Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

    The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can’t possibly pay you in that time."

    "OK," the doctor said, "let’s make it NINE months."



Little Funnies

    If you get too open-minded, your brains fall out.

    Mental floss prevents moral decay.

    Madness takes its toll, so please have exact change.

    Ever stop to think . . . and then forget to start again?

    There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.

    Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggy," until you find a big rock.

    Just remember to look out for number one, and not step in number two.



The Physical

    After completing his annual physical checkup, Mr. Harris was informed that he was going to need a very expensive operation and then at least a year to recuperate.

    Mr. Harris was desperate. "I just can’t afford an operation like that. Especially if it means that I will be out of work for a year. Isn’t there something else you can do for me?"

    "Well," said the doctor, "I could always have your X-rays retouched."



The Final Countdown

    A man hadn’t been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor came back with the results.

    "I’m afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left."

    "Oh, that’s terrible!" said the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

    "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

    "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

    "Nine..."



Random Thoughts
  • If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
  • If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why is a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
  • If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
  • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint, you still have to touch it to be sure?



The Big Sale

    It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

    A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!"



"English Well Speeched Here"
  • The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
  • Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it."
  • An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
  • In a certain African hotel you may choose between: "A room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."
  • A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read: "Come inside and have a fit."
  • A hotel notice in Madrid informs: "If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid."
  • A sign at Budapest's zoo requests: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food give it to the guard on duty."
  • A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: "As for the trout served you at the hotel monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."
  • A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims: "American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest methodists."
  • Some German hospitals now display the sign: "No children allowed in the maternity wards."
  • A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are a person to do such, please not read notice."
  • A Rome laundry suggests: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."



Archeological Discovery

    An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

    "I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

    A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

    "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’."



The Quickest Way

    A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting. "What’s the quickest way to York?"

    The local man scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?," he asked the stranger.

    "I’m driving."

    "Well, that’s the quickest way."



A Letter From Mom

    "Dear Son,

    Just a few lines to let you know I’m alive. I’m writing slowly, because I know you can’t read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home: we’ve moved. About your father, he’s got a new job. He now has 500 people working under him. He’s supervising the big cemetery.

    Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I do not know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the distillery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off. We cremated him, and it took three days to put out the fire.

    I went to the doctor Thursday. Your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth, and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him. We now have a washing machine in the house we moved into, but it isn’t working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.

    It only rained twice last week, first for three days, then for four. Monday, it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from our undertaker yesterday. He said if we do not pay the last installment on your grandmother within ten days, up she comes!

    Your loving Mother

    P.S. I was going to send you $10.00, but I’d already sealed the envelope."



Four "Signs" That You've Hired The Wrong Hunting Guide
  1. When he blows into a big shell or horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
  2. When he comes completely outfitted with Barney camping gear.
  3. When you are closing in on the moose he whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, "Be vewy, vewy quiet."
  4. When he is prone to screaming, "Run, Bambi! Run!"