Preacher Stuff

A Notice To Pastors

    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city and attached the following message to his windshield: "I have circled this block 10 times. I have an appointment to keep. Forgive us our trespasses."

    When he returned to his car he found this reply attached to his own note along with a ticket: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Preacher And The Bear

    A preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

    Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance and he couldn’t move.

    "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord?"

    That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive…"

The Little Squirrel

    A pastor was giving the children’s message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children’s church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long, bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands were raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)…"

Finally, one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well..." said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus...but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Toast The Preacher

    As the preacher was completing a temperance sermon, with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At The River."

A Pastor's Visit

    A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote, "Revelation 3:20: Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me."

    The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10: I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

Writing A Sermon

    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

    "Why, God tells me," the clergyman replied.

    "Oh," said the lad. "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Nervous Minister

    What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous.

    Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose they said to repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next. Thinkng this advice couldn’t hurt, he recalled the very last thing he’d said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly."

    Still his mind was blank. He thought he’d better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. He tried it one more time -- but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

    Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

    "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

A Nice Gesture

    After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

    "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

    "Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

All Tied Up

    The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripped before jerking it again.

    After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Who Gets The Dog?

    A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between ten and twelve years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned, lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

    One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

    Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?" and ended with, "Why, when I was you age, I never told a lie."

    There was dead silence for about a minute. Just when the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right. Give him the dog."

Way To Go

    An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

    For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

    They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."

Phone Charges

    The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope were in a meeting in Rome._ The Rabbi noticed an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asked the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!"

    The Rabbi was skeptical, and the Pope noticed. The Holy Father insisted that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed, he was connected to the Lord._ The Rabbi held a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi said, "Thank you very much. This is great! I want to pay for my phone charges."

    The Pope, of course, refused. The Rabbi was steadfast and finally, the pontiff gave in._ He checked the counter on the phone and said: "All right!_ The charges are 100,000 lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly handed over a packet of bills.

    A few months later the Pope was in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he saw a phone identical to his and learned it also was a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembered he had an urgent matter that required Divine consultation and asked if he could use the Rabbi's phone.

    The Rabbi gladly agreed, handed him the phone, and the Pope chatted away.

    After hanging up, the Pope offered to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looked on the phone counter and said: "One Shekel." The Pope looked surprised: "Why so cheap!?!" The Rabbi smiled: "Local call."

Water to Wine

    An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. -- The State trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water, sir," said the priest.

    The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"