Potpourri Stuff


Salvation Laugh

    Ho, ho, ho!

    Ha, Ha, Ha!

    He, He, He!

    Ho, Ho, Ho, Hosanna!

    Ha, Ha, Ha, Hallelujah!

    He, He, He, He saved me!



Worse Than A Flood

    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months, I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an ark.

    "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

    Six months, and it will start to rain!" thundered the Lord. "You’d better have my ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

    Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.

    "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah for emphasis.

    "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors’ objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

    "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

    "Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

    "I really don’t think I can finish your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

    The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You’re not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

    "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. AI fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

    "What’s that?" asked Noah.

    And the Lord said, "Let there be Government!?"



Jesus Relieves Peter

    St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

    "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

    "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

    "Sounds easy enough. OK."

    So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

    The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

    The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

    Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

    "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

    Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

    "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

    Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

    The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"



The Genie

    Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp, and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

    The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."

    Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.

    Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone.

    Sven was sitting there looking sad, and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is your vish?"

    Sven say, "Gee, I’m really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vere back here with me."



The Dummy

    A ventriloquist from New York took his act on the road to Mississippi. After about twenty minutes of performing joke after joke about rednecks, a good ol’ boy in the audience stood up and said, "I’m darn tired of you Yankees makin’ fun of us southern folks, and always tryin’ to make us look stupid. If you don’t stop it right now, I’m going to come up there and shut you up!"

    The ventriloquist said, "Take it easy, buddy, they’re just jokes."

    The redneck replied, "You stay out of this...I’m talkin’ to that little loudmouth on your lap!"



The Traffic Stop

    An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

    "Yep," the farmer said, as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

    "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

    "Yep," the farmer said, "Them are circle flies."

    "What’s a circle fly?"

    "Them flies that circle a horse’s tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

    "You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s behind, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

    "Nope, I didn’t," the farmer replied. "But you just can’t fool them circle flies."



The Barber

    After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber ship, which was owned by the pastor of the town Baptist Church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was a smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber’s wife, Abut you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back."

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."



The Month After Christmas

    'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

    Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

    The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

    At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

    When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

    When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

    I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

    The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,

    The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

    And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

    As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

    And prepared once again to do battle with dirt ...

    I said to myself, as I only can

    "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

    So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,

    Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

    Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

    ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

    I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.

    I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

    I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

    I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

    I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore --

    But isn’t that what January is for?

    Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

    Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!



Two Friends

    Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

    The Optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

    The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

    The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"



A Man-Making Contest

    One day a group of scientist got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go tell him.

    "God," the appointed scientist said, "we’ve decided we no longer need you. We can cure diseases, clone people and create life. So why don’t You just go on your way."

    God listened patiently to the man, then said, "Very well. But first let's have a man-making contest, doing it just like I did back in the good old days with Adam."

    "Sure, no problem," the scientist said, bending down to scoop up a handful of dirt.

    "No, no, no," God admonished him, "get your own dirt!"



Acts 2:38

    An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" ...turn from your sin....

    The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

    "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"



Theology vs. Astronomy

    A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.

    "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.

    After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.

    "Oh, and what is that?" the astronomer inquired.

    "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"



Job Interview

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

    The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

    The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."



Adventures In Witnessing

    Two church members were witnessing door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

    To her surprise, however, the door did not close C in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result: The door bounced back open.

    Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."



"Big John Doesn't Pay!"

    One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops C a few people got on, a few people got off, and things went generally well.

    At the end of the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn’t pay!" and sat down at the back.

    Oh, did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it.

    The next day, the same thing happened C Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

    Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses: karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself.

    So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn’t pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?!?"

    With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus-pass."



Arresting

    A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."



Oats

    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

    The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

    "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."



Q & A

    Q: What do you call pall bearers in Oklahoma?

    A: Carry Okie



Atheist and Footprints

    There was a little old Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady came out onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yelled back, "There is no God."

    She did this every morning with the same result. As time went on, the lady ran into financial difficulties and had trouble buying food. She went on the porch and asked God for help with groceries, then said, "Praise the Lord."

    The next morning she went out onto the porch and there were the groceries she asked for. Of course she said, "Praise the Lord."

    The atheist jumped out from behind a bush and said, "Ha, I bought those groceries ( there is no God." The lady looked at him and smiled. She shouted, "Praise the Lord. Not only did you provide for me, Lord, but you made Satan pay for the groceries!"



Revenge?

    Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

    Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.