Guys ‘N Gals Stuff


The Creation Of Woman

    One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out, "Lord, I have a problem."

    "What’s the problem, Adam?," the Lord replied.

    "Lord, I know you created me and have provide for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. I am lonely."

    "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."

    "What’s a woman, Lord?"

    "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will gather food for you, she will cook for you and clean up afterwards. She will make you clothing fit for a king and wash it for you, too! She will always agree with you on every decision you ever make. She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. And she will not nag you B whenever you have a disagreement, she will be the first to admit she was wrong. She will never have a ‘headache’ but will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it. She will be that perfect companion for you," replied the heavenly voice.

    "Sounds great."

    "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

    "How much will this woman cost me, Lord?" Adam replied.

    "She’ll cost you an arm and a leg."

    Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.

    Finally, Adam asked the Lord, "Uh...what can I get for a rib?"



"X" Marks The Spot

    Two friends rented a boat and fished in the same lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back and fish here again tomorrow."

    The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big "X" on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we can’t get the same boat today!?!"



One Wish

    A man, walking along a California beach, was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

    Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to."

    The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Besides, think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor or glorify me."

    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    After a few minutes, God said, "YOU WANT TWO LANES OR FOUR ON THAT BRIDGE?"



Three Wise Women

    Question: "Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?"

    Answer: "They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts."



"What I Want To Know Is"

    If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it still make a noise?

    What I really want to know is if a man speaks in the woods and there is no woman around to hear, is he still wrong?



On The Bathroom Scale

    I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."

    "Sure it does," he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers."



Can You Give Me A Push

    A man was in bed with his wife when there was a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolled over and looks at his clock, and it was half past three in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thought, and rolled over. Then, a louder knock followed.

    "Aren’t you going to answer that?" said his wife. So he dragged himself out of bed, and went downstairs. He opened the door and there was a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

    "Hi there," slurred the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

    "No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed," said the man and slammed the door.

    He went back up to bed and told his wife what happened. She said, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

    "But the guy was drunk," said the husband.

    "It doesn't matter," said the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

    So the husband got out of bed again, got dressed, and went downstairs. He opened the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouted, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He heard a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

    Still being unable to see the stranger he shouted, "Where are you?" And the stranger replied: "I’m over here, on the swing."



Wedding Vows

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

    "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

    It was now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom had moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

    At the reception, the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

    The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."



The Efficiency Expert

    An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don’t want to try these techniques at home."

    "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

    "I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?’"

    "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

    "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."



The Rabbi and The Husband

    A man went to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

    The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

    The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

    The man then pleads, "I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?"

    The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know."

    A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I spoke to your wife. In fact, she talked to me on the phone for over THREE HOURS! You want my advice?"

    The man anxiously said, "Yes."

    The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"



Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Woman

    10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

    9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

    8. God knew Adam would never buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out; he would need Eve to buy one for him.

    7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

    6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

    5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men couldn’t handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

    4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

    3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

    2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

    And, finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Woman....

    1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."



How Dogs And Women Are Alike
  • Both look silly in hats.
  • Neither understand football.
  • Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.
  • Neither believe that silence is golden.
  • Neither can balance a checkbook.
  • Both put too much value on kissing.



How Dogs And Women Are Different
  • Dogs don't cry.
  • Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  • Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
  • Dogs think you sing great.
  • The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  • Dogs are excited by rough play.
  • Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
  • Dogs understand that farts are funny.
  • Dogs don’t shop.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  • A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  • Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  • A dog’s parents never visit.
  • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  • No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
  • Dogs never criticize.
  • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  • Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • You never have to wait for a dog -- they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.



Looking Natural

    The other night, my wife and I were getting dressed before going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eye liner, eye lashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick. Then she turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"



"Woman"

    An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

    The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

    The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing!"



Counsel For Husbands

    Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

      This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband.

        DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
        SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
        SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner"

        DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
        SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
        SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

        DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
        SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
        SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

        DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
        SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
        SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

        DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
        SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
        SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.



Ideal Marriage

    Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.