Church Stuff

Secret Service

    A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

    The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

    My friend replied, "I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

    The preacher questioned, "How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

    He whispered back, "I’m in the secret service."

After The Revival

    After the revival had concluded, three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble-makers!"

Spicy At Church

    One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate, He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

    After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with the congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

    A very quiet, young lady named Spicy, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. And slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she had given so much and in thanksgiving, asked her to pick out three hymns.

    He eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I’ll take him and him and him!"

Church Bulletin Bloopers

    The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

    The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

    Evening massage - 6 p.m.

    The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

    Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

    Ushers will eat latecomers.

    The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

    The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy.

    During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

    Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on, "It’s a Terrible Experience."

    Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Quiet In Church

    A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

After Church

    After church on Sunday morning, a mother commented: "The choir was just awful this morning." The father commented: "The sermon was too long." Their seven year old daughter added: "You’ve got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dime."

Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins:
  1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
  2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music to follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  • 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Now Up Yours."

  • No Excuse Sunday

      To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday." Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.

      We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that the church is always asking for money.

      One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can’t hear the preacher and cotton for those who can.

      See you all in church.

    Church Football

      Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

      Trap — You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

      Half-Time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

      Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

      Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

      Bench warmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

      Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

      Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to do the Lord's work.

      Two-Minute Warning - When you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

      End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

      Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

      Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

    The Bad News

      One Sunday morning the preacher said, "There’s bad news. We need to replace the roof without further delay, and it will cost $50,000.00. But there’s good news -- we’ve got plenty of money. However, there’s more bad news. Up till now, the money has been in your pockets."

      The congregation knew the roof was leaking and needed replacement, but they kept putting it off. Finally, some areas of the ceiling in the sanctuary began to sag. They called a congregational meeting to address the problem, and the richest member of the congregation rose to say that he would pledge $1,000 toward fixing the roof.

      Just then a small piece of ceiling fell and hit him on the head. Somebody in the back of the church said, "Hit him again, Lord!"

    More Church Bloopers

      Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Remember to bring your husbands.

      The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

      Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

      The agenda was adopted ... the minutes were approved ... the financial secretary gave a grief report.

      Barbara ... remains in the hospital and needs blood transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of the Pastor’s sermons.

      The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

      Announcement: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes Meals.

      Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    Actual Signs Seen On Church Property
    • "No God, no peace!" "Know God, know peace!"
    • "Free Trip to new heaven and earth. Details Inside!"
    • "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
    • "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
    • "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
    • "Beat the Christmas rush! Come in and pray today."
    • "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
    • "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
    • "It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
    • "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
    • "If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
    • "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
    • "If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again."
    • "This is a ch_ _ ch. Can you tell what’s missing?"

    More Church Bulletin Bloopers
    • Next Friday, we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
    • If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
    • Hymn: "I Love Thee, My Ford."
    • Lent is the fifth Sinday next month.
    • The Jones wish to say, "Thank you, dead friends."
    • For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

    Sunday School

      A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

      At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."